How Free Do You Want to Be?

My last days in active alcoholism and addiction left me in a hollowed shell of human existence. I was a parasite to society, a source of frustration for friends, and an epicenter of pain for family. It was impossible to look others in the eye, and the concept of dignity was akin to a foreign language.

When drinking started in my early teens, this was the furthest outcome imaginable. Using alcohol and narcotics was always “social lubricant” for me, not necessarily to numb pain but to eliminate the perpetual awkwardness I would experience in social settings. Eventually I felt discomfort and fear everywhere, especially when I was alone. In very quick order what was a fun way to “loosen up” became not just a norm, but a requirement for living.

My drinking is in no way a reflection of specific events in my life. There was no abuse, physical trauma, and I was raised in a very loving home. Both of my parents participated extensively in my life and could see my spiraling well before it was apparent to me. Regardless of their prayers, olive branches, paid professionals, and love, this was a disease I was born with; there was nothing they could do. My family suffered the worst from my illness.

Throughout my adult life alcoholism and addiction owned me like a slave. I dropped out of college, quit more jobs than I can count, repeatedly burnt relationships down, accumulated DUIs, and lived in a perpetual state of rage and terror. Everyone from the random passerby to the flight attendant was a threat. I found it inconceivable to let anyone get close, let alone be vulnerable to someone. I was isolated with no meaning or purpose whatsoever.

In May 2019, I found myself desperate. I considered suicide but could not muster the courage. I had no one left and my family treated me as if I was a live wire from a fallen powerline.

When I arrived at Caron, I was lost to a point I struggle to describe. I certainly was not “willing to go any length,” but for the first time, I was able to let my guard down and allow my Caron family to love me. From there I was able to listen and then the work truly began. I was able to obtain a deeper understanding of my addiction, the layers of behavior that led me to where I was, and the direction to grow towards becoming a man.

In recovery a door opened to a world far beyond anything I could have been told to expect. What I thought I knew about myself, needs, and importance in life has blossomed to a profound understanding that continues to evolve.

Today I am a father, husband, homeowner, and I run my own business. Yes, I had to have the desperation for sobriety and the willingness to do work but thank God for my Caron family for loving me when I had no love to give. I am especially grateful to my parents and family who stepped up when I was ready. If you are on the fence I humbly ask: how free do you want to be?